my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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