i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
