Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
high people should be assigned attendants
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
