I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
