I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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