Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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