Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
