I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She said her name was "party"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
this will be a night to untag.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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