I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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