I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
