I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
