I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
