Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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