just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
