I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
