I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
