Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
