She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
