Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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