Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
