so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
