Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
These tits shall not be calmed
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
