Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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