well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
