I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
