Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
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the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
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I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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