My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
