and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
