She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
