If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
