So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
