I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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