dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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