I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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