Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
