The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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