I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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