I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
