i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
