yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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