Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
