All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
