You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
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I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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