shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
