if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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