I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
