My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
high people should be assigned attendants
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
