shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
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