I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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