I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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