i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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