MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize