I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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