the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
