look no pants
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
